Wednesday, April 13, 2011
AM Lyme Treatment Day 2: Positive Thinking
This morning it is very tempting to say, as I wash down my antibiotics, that I am having a good day. After all, I was out of bed before the older two got on the bus. I was in the kitchen in time to wish them a good day. I was able to find my son's precious Nintendo DS for him. I got breakfast for myself and the toddler and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher by 8 am. I took my pills on time. I could use the power of positive thinking and say, "Look at all I have accomplished. I am having a good day." I will ignore the fact that my husband went to bed without me last night. I will ignore the fact that I was awake most of the night. I will ignore the fact that I have been awake since 5:30 am after a very poor night's sleep.
Every morning, in that moment between asleep and awake, there is the briefest feeling of suspension. There is a moment of nothing before my body becomes aware that it is under attack. It takes a good hour, often longer, until my body recovers from this realization that all is not well. Every day, this happens anew. And this morning, it happened early enough that I recovered in time to move before breakfast. It's very tempting to say, "I am having a good day."
Of course, I have now learned that when this happens in a Lyme patient, it points to one of the coinfections. I think I mentioned it yesterday. The "tired, but wired" Babesiosis parasite.
Last year, when I became very ill - ill enough to take everything off my schedule, even church - I would occasionally bump into people I knew on a "good day" when I was rushing to get the grocery cart to the car before I crashed and lost the ability to push it. Everyone knew I was ill, but I absolutely could not stop trying to explain that I was out and about because it was a "good day." I felt desperate to let them know I wasn't "faking" to shirk responsibility and worship on Sunday morning. I was desperate to keep their good opinion of me. I was desperate to remain loved even though I had very little to give in return.
This has always been my problem. In quiet moments, I think it is the gist of every problem. We struggle. We do more than we ought. We strive to prove our worth. We are bitter when we fail. It's all a waste of talent and energy because love is free. It costs nothing. Perhaps, you've heard this before, but God waits for all of us. Ask and you shall receive.
Positive thinking never really worked for me anyway.
Survey: How often have you let yourself be loved with no obligation?
Every morning, in that moment between asleep and awake, there is the briefest feeling of suspension. There is a moment of nothing before my body becomes aware that it is under attack. It takes a good hour, often longer, until my body recovers from this realization that all is not well. Every day, this happens anew. And this morning, it happened early enough that I recovered in time to move before breakfast. It's very tempting to say, "I am having a good day."
Of course, I have now learned that when this happens in a Lyme patient, it points to one of the coinfections. I think I mentioned it yesterday. The "tired, but wired" Babesiosis parasite.
Last year, when I became very ill - ill enough to take everything off my schedule, even church - I would occasionally bump into people I knew on a "good day" when I was rushing to get the grocery cart to the car before I crashed and lost the ability to push it. Everyone knew I was ill, but I absolutely could not stop trying to explain that I was out and about because it was a "good day." I felt desperate to let them know I wasn't "faking" to shirk responsibility and worship on Sunday morning. I was desperate to keep their good opinion of me. I was desperate to remain loved even though I had very little to give in return.
This has always been my problem. In quiet moments, I think it is the gist of every problem. We struggle. We do more than we ought. We strive to prove our worth. We are bitter when we fail. It's all a waste of talent and energy because love is free. It costs nothing. Perhaps, you've heard this before, but God waits for all of us. Ask and you shall receive.
Positive thinking never really worked for me anyway.
Survey: How often have you let yourself be loved with no obligation?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Evening Lyme Treatment Day 1: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
You may find it hilarious to know that while I was learning the ins and outs of blogging on google.com for my brand new Lyme treatment blog on this Tuesday evening, I forgot to actually take the medicine I was blogging about.
I took Dose #2 50 minutes late, shortly after a 20 minute lecture from my husband telling me not to obsess about this blog thing the way I always obsess about new projects. I asked him if there was something in particular he wanted me to do besides blog while I sit down on this, my first treatment day for Lyme Disease, a day I have long awaited. Was he asking me to spend time with him? He said no. He just didn't want me to go overboard. He was just trying to save me from missing out on life like all those other times I stayed up late doing something I found interesting. Just like I always warn him when he watches too mutch tv. I asked him if he thought that being musical director for a play or writing about my experiences or figuring out our financial plan for the next several years are the same as watching tv. He said he didn't want to talk to me as I was obviously in a mood, and went to watch television.
Don't get me wrong. There were many years that I would have scraped and apologized and shaped up in response to comment like that. I'm just too tired to not live in the real world anymore. I prefer that my eggs be in many baskets, and I let God distribute the weight evenly. What was that scripture about worry? Today has enough of its own. Listen, people will always try to pass their worry on to you, usually in the same sentence that they profess to love you. Let them keep it. I like my eggs scrambled anyway.
Incidentally, one of the coinfections Dr. Lyme Specialist talked to me about is called babesiosis. It's a parasite that can cause sleeplessness and obsessive compulsive type problems. "Tired, but wired." My husband has a point, but he uses it as a spear instead of a flashlight.
Survey: Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of such a spear?
I took Dose #2 50 minutes late, shortly after a 20 minute lecture from my husband telling me not to obsess about this blog thing the way I always obsess about new projects. I asked him if there was something in particular he wanted me to do besides blog while I sit down on this, my first treatment day for Lyme Disease, a day I have long awaited. Was he asking me to spend time with him? He said no. He just didn't want me to go overboard. He was just trying to save me from missing out on life like all those other times I stayed up late doing something I found interesting. Just like I always warn him when he watches too mutch tv. I asked him if he thought that being musical director for a play or writing about my experiences or figuring out our financial plan for the next several years are the same as watching tv. He said he didn't want to talk to me as I was obviously in a mood, and went to watch television.
Don't get me wrong. There were many years that I would have scraped and apologized and shaped up in response to comment like that. I'm just too tired to not live in the real world anymore. I prefer that my eggs be in many baskets, and I let God distribute the weight evenly. What was that scripture about worry? Today has enough of its own. Listen, people will always try to pass their worry on to you, usually in the same sentence that they profess to love you. Let them keep it. I like my eggs scrambled anyway.
Incidentally, one of the coinfections Dr. Lyme Specialist talked to me about is called babesiosis. It's a parasite that can cause sleeplessness and obsessive compulsive type problems. "Tired, but wired." My husband has a point, but he uses it as a spear instead of a flashlight.
Survey: Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of such a spear?
Lyme Treatment Day 1 Diet
Ok, I took my morning doses of doxycycline, plaquenil and the one I can't remember right now. I'd go look at the pill bottle, but that involves standing up. So far so good. I've been warned that I will experience Herxeimer reactions as the spirochete dies. Apparently, the antibiotics only work when the bacteria divides. So, depending on how many divide today, that's how I will feel. I've also been told that I will complain of tummy upset from the doxycycline. Maybe I'll do that next week. I'm still on day 1 and feel pretty much the same as yesterday.
I did want to mention the diet. The Lyme Specialist wants me to follow the Zone Diet by Dr. Sears. Something about not feeding the spirochete. I did very well the first few days. It's very similar to the mediterranean diet, so I've had some very nice Eat, Pray, Love moments (Eat, Love, Pray??). However, I spent half the months grocery budget on all of this food last Thursday, and all I have left right now is cheese and half a stalk of romaine lettuce. Oh and I have almonds, but I think I may be slightly allergic. (At least this is what I am saying to myself today, because I will not, I repeat, will not be allergic to the antibiotics.) Anyway, the only other bad thing about the diet was that we had a birthday party for my son on Sunday. For this party, I made 3 cakes. My husband brought huge boxes of potato chips home (He knows a guy...). You see where this train of thought leads. Stupid tick.
3 hours later. It started to hit just before four pm. I had decided to take a quick shower and dress before I cooked dinner, but I must have gotten too close to the bed. It is now just after five and dinner will be out of a box. I did manage to graduate to yesterday's clothes. The third antibiotic is zithromax.
Survey: Have you ever looked down on anyone for an apparent lack of willpower?
I did want to mention the diet. The Lyme Specialist wants me to follow the Zone Diet by Dr. Sears. Something about not feeding the spirochete. I did very well the first few days. It's very similar to the mediterranean diet, so I've had some very nice Eat, Pray, Love moments (Eat, Love, Pray??). However, I spent half the months grocery budget on all of this food last Thursday, and all I have left right now is cheese and half a stalk of romaine lettuce. Oh and I have almonds, but I think I may be slightly allergic. (At least this is what I am saying to myself today, because I will not, I repeat, will not be allergic to the antibiotics.) Anyway, the only other bad thing about the diet was that we had a birthday party for my son on Sunday. For this party, I made 3 cakes. My husband brought huge boxes of potato chips home (He knows a guy...). You see where this train of thought leads. Stupid tick.
3 hours later. It started to hit just before four pm. I had decided to take a quick shower and dress before I cooked dinner, but I must have gotten too close to the bed. It is now just after five and dinner will be out of a box. I did manage to graduate to yesterday's clothes. The third antibiotic is zithromax.
Survey: Have you ever looked down on anyone for an apparent lack of willpower?
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